I woke up this morning and struggled to get out of bed. Usually, I welcome the New Year with gusto. I savor the fresh start and look forward to turning over a new page in my blank calendar. I am one of those weirdos who finds great pleasure in selecting a “word for the year” and setting goals to accomplish over the next 12 months. But this year, for some reason, I am dreading the blank calendar page.
2019 feels more daunting than welcoming.
The goals that loom before me, some I want to accomplish and some I need to check off, feel as massive as Everest.
I am overwhelmed, and when I am overwhelmed I would rather pull the covers over my head and delay the start of this day, month, and year by even just five minutes.
Can anyone relate?
Questions and doubts swirl in my head.
- What if I fail?
- What if there are not enough resources to accomplish x, y, or z?
- What if I disappoint so-and-so?
- What if I arrive at December 2019 in the same exact mental/physical/financial place?
- Or even worse, what if I lose more than I gain over the next 12 months?
When I give in to the insecurities and questions, I find myself paralyzed by doubt. And I lay in bed for far longer than I should.
As I finally threw the covers off and pulled myself out of bed this morning, I was taken back to my middle school days. There were many mornings of my junior high life that found me sitting next to my dad in the car and describing in great angst my dread of the day before me. His words? Every single time, without fail: “Just show up, Ab. Showing up is half the battle.”
Just show up. One foot in front of the other. Eventually, those footsteps will take me up that mountain.
I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes. These words, words I have taped to the back of my bedroom door, seem a fitting way to enter this New Year that I haven’t been even remotely eager to face. Maybe you will find these words a comfort as well:
“Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability—
and that it may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you;
your ideas mature gradually—let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give Our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.”
-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
For those of you who, like me, are dreading 2019 more than cheering it into existence, I offer us two gentle reminders:
1. Just show up. As my dad always said, showing up is half the battle.
2. “Above all, trust in the slow work of God.”
I may not jump out of bed tomorrow with eagerness, but I will throw off the covers and plant my feet on the ground. I will show up, and I will try to remember that there is beauty to be found in the suspense of incompleteness. There is beauty to be mined from the mountain that looms before me. Without knowing what mountain stands before you, I would guess that you will find beauty on your journey as well. So let’s commit to finding it, shall we? Even if we have to dig down deep.